Tuesday, April 2, 2013

If you are what you eat, I should be tanner, like beef jerky.

Holy Hell, I haven't posted in a long time.  And there has been a reason for that.  I have fallen off the good eating wagon.  For a while, it was just a "taste", or just a "little cheat".  Then pretty soon, I was still counting calories but eating crap (but I'm still under my 1500 calories, so it's okay if it was all in Ruffles and french onion dip, right?).
But today was a banner day for me in bad eating.  Seriously, it was like if I wasn't putting something in my mouth with at least every third breath, I wouldn't survive.  Today, Hershey's Kisses were apparently my substitute for a ventilator.
This feeling is always so weird.  I'm not hungry, in fact, I get to the point where I'm actually nauseated and feel like I have filled my gullet up with food to the back off my throat.  Like it's chimney packed solid.
I'm sure you think I'm exaggerating so I'm going to list everything I shoved in my pie hole today.
I started with a Venti Skinny Frappacino at Starbuck's because I was using my reward for a free drink so you have to take advantage and order the largest size, right? It's only financially savvy.  Then I got a piece of lowfat cinnamon swirl coffee cake, because if I wasn't paying for coffee, it would be cheap not to order something, right? The lowfat label must mean that the 340 calorie count that My Fitness Pal gives this obviously healthy treat (duh, remember I said "lowfat") is incorrect.
I got to work and felt a little pudgy, so the answer to that is to start cleaning off my desk.  This is when I discovered that I may be a hoarder.  I had 4 tiny size 00 mac and miller blades in my overhead cabinet.  Did i think I would be intubating a newborn in between typing up corrective actions and granting PTO requests?  What ever made me think this was something that I needed to have nestled between my copy of "Good to Great" and a box of tampons?  I had a baggie full of 1.5" 20g IV's that we use for ultrasound.  I do sometimes start lines for my nurses, but I'm not sure I need my own private supply kit, tucked behind a bag of trail mix that looked suspiciously old.  I found my professional portfolio next to a box of hospital maxi-pads.  I must have anticipated a water leak in a pipe to need the 4" inch thick hospital pads that absorb absolutely nothing.
Well, these findings began to stress me out.  Why was I keeping this stuff, why was it all so dusty, why did the hospital cut housekeeping so now I have to take out my own trash? Obviously, the only thing that would make this better was a mouthful of gobstoppers. 
I keep bowls of candy and gum for my staff.  Normally, I can resist but today it was like the jelly belly's were coated with a light dusting of crack cocaine.  I was chewing gobstoppers when I realized I had a meeting.  I started walking down the hall unwrapping a Dove chocolate, when I realized my mouth was full of gobstoppers which I needed to at least FUCKING SWALLOW before I started preparing the new piece of candy to go in my mouth.
Because I'm trying to be healthy, I wanted to make sure I got my protein, so I made sure to alternate my chocolate with Teriyaki beef jerky.  Obviously, these are two tastes that are meant to go together (at least for people like myself,  with multiple personality disorder.)
Whatever, I moved on.  Went to my meeting, like a champ, then wandered to the cafeteria to see what slop they were passing off for food today.  Because even though it's disgusting, I didn't want to miss it.  Lo and behold, they were in the break between breakfast and lunch so I couldn't do any harm, but I did see they were serving corn chowder soup for lunch.
I moseyed back to my office and did some paperwork, all the while popping gobstoppers in between typing.  Then I looked up and saw a half hour had passed and my corn chowder would be available now.  Okay, here's the thing, our hospital used to have great soup.  Then the old lady who made it retired, so now it sucks.  But it doesn't stop me from eating it everytime, and then acting surprised that it still sucks.  It's like having your second child and acting like it's a big shocker when it hurts to pass a watermelon through your innards. The new soup lady lets me down everydamntime.  But I keep filling up my bowl like a damn Charles Dickens orphan, like I've got a diagnosed short term memory problem.
Anyway, as I'm eating my soup, my friend says that the guys went out for Taco Bell, do I want anything.  I'm like of course, get me a Doritos Taco.  Now, as my friends know, I DON'T EAT TACO HELL!!! I freaking hate Taco Bell, with it's hepatitis, long fingernailed workers (yeah, I'm looking at you, Dekalb).  And, I'm eating a corn based soup, with chunks of potatoes.  So obviously, that couldn't possibly be filling with the three packets of crackers I've crumbled into it.  I MUST have Taco Bell or I will die.
I eat the Taco Bell, and honest to Christ, I'm so full, I can't even make it go down my throat.  It's literally packed down my esophagus like a goddamn Thanksgiving turkey. Gobble, gobble, motherfucker.
Off to the rest of my day.  Cupcake for a staff member's birthday? Of course, I'll even go across the street to buy the rainbow colored messes. Handful of candy for the drive home and is that a Cadbury egg I see in the pocket of my purse?  Yum yum, piggy piggy.
Then I'm obviously not full, so I decide to take the kids to P.F. Chang's, where the waiter walks over with free lettuce wraps for us because he is obviously a caring individual who sees that I haven't eaten a thing all day. A spring roll, Mongolian beef and brown rice later, and here I am sitting by the pool, wondering how many days it will take to digest the absolute mountains of food I consumed today.
I'm hoping this mental/verbal purge will get me back on the right track tomorrow, otherwise, I fear I will have to be rolled into work like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka..
Please tell me I'm not the only Violet Beauregarde here.............

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